Confession Brings Peace—The Confession Practice of a Seventy-Nine-Year-Old Man

These past few days, I woke up at 5 AM to observe and practice. As I sat, I felt a powerful flow of energy rise from my dantian, tightly enveloping me and binding my legs. The energy flow continued upward, reaching my waist and then my head, making it very difficult to breathe. Sitting there, I began to contemplate the topic "Who am I?" and ended up crying bitterly, stamping my feet and beating my chest. I then rose from my seat, knelt down, and prostrated to the Buddha. The more I prostrated, the more I cried. Alas! Am I not just an old, ugly woman? A greedy eater, a sleepyhead, a selfish creature? All kinds of unworthiness are me. I detest this foul skin-bag. Finally, I knelt before the Buddha again to repent: I am just a foul skin-bag; someone like me only deserves to go to hell. 

Then I returned to my seat to continue observing and practicing. My body became firmly fixed again, and in this state, two hours passed unknowingly. Then I remembered I still needed to cook for my child, so I got up. However, my movements were very slow, and my mind wasn't functioning well either. I performed actions mechanically; other things had nothing to do with me. 

Yesterday's sitting was the same. Recalling the repentance text on the mental faculty written by the Dharma Master, I said to myself, "What are you?" I had violated every point in the repentance text. Unconsciously, I cried again while in concentration. Fortunately, I did not rise from my seat; I repented while continuing to sit. Soon, another two hours passed. By then, my child was also awake, so I had to end my sitting. During the sitting meditation, a fragrant scent arose several times. When I ended the sitting, it was still the same state as the day before yesterday; my movements were extremely slow. Venerable Master, is it acceptable to practice like this? Is this the contemplation of impurity? Today's sitting was much more comfortable; my body didn't ache anymore. My mind was much more stable, and over an hour passed quickly. I earnestly request the Venerable Master's guidance. 

Comment: The initial effect of this repentance is very good; it has achieved the results of purifying the mind, bringing physical lightness and ease, and increasing meditative concentration. However, while repenting and knowing you were wrong, there is no need to curse yourself to go to hell or to the three evil paths, etc. Do not add any malicious curses or harsh words. Words spoken will be fulfilled in the future. You should make good and wholesome vows, have the mind and action to reform, correct your evil thoughts and actions—that is sufficient. There is no need to hate yourself too much. It's the same with others; have good wishes for them, do not use malicious curses. 

Repentance can eliminate karmic obstacles from past lives. When karmic obstacles are eliminated, obscurations are eliminated. Both body and mind will become light and at ease, deep meditative concentration will be attained, contemplation and mental reflection will proceed smoothly, practice will easily follow the right path, and progress will be rapid. The fragrant scent smelled during sitting meditation—if it emanates from within your own body—indicates that your mind has become pure and your body has also become pure, hence the fragrance arises. Sometimes it comes out from the nostrils, sometimes from between the teeth, sometimes from the throat, and sometimes the whole body emits a fragrant aroma. If the fragrance enters the nostrils from outside, it indicates that Buddhas, Bodhisattvas, and Dharma protectors are looking after you, or that heavenly beings are observing you, learning from you. 

Based on your current level of understanding, you should still start your practice from contemplating the five aggregates to sever the self-view. Do not engage in Chan (Zen) meditation too early. Sever the self-view first, and then Chan meditation will proceed more smoothly. Without severing the self-view, it is impossible to realize the true mind and self-nature. Since you are older, you should also make more pure and great vows to ensure rebirth in the Pure Land at the end of your life, so that you may return to the Saha world later to deliver sentient beings. Being reborn in the Pure Land at life's end is an excellent destination.