Why do we feel that our past selves were absurd?

He Qianxing: A lifetime of absurd madness, a handful of bitter tears. After reading many of Master Shengru's books, I immersed myself in my own mind and body world, observing myself carefully according to the content and methods in the books. I would often freeze in place, meticulously observing and contemplating those Dharma principles. The sounds, images, tastes, and tactile sensations outside the mind-body world, when truly investigated from their root, are merely a bubble formed by the combination of various factors. The bubble arises, soon bursts, and is utterly unobtainable, without substance. The inner cognitive mind, which discriminates between good and bad, wholesome and unwholesome, favorable and unfavorable upon contact with objects, upon careful scrutiny, is also a bubble, like a flash of lightning. It arises due to conditions and ceases when conditions cease; it too is utterly unobtainable, without substance. 

When I observed more deeply the 'I' that thinks 'I see,' 'I hear,' 'I smell,' 'I touch,' it turned out to be merely a cognition, a mistaken identification. Observing my own body, it is no different from external objects; it is also a bubble formed by the combination of various factors, merely a tool, not the 'I' itself. Since the entire external world is but bubbles, the cognitive mind is a bubble, the body is a bubble, then the cognition that believes 'there is a self' and 'this is mine' can only be a mistaken identification. Therefore, whether it is our mind-body world or the external world, it turns out they are all heaps of bubbles, one bubble linked to another, all are dreams, illusions, bubbles, and shadows. 

Upon observing this point, recalling the first half of my life suddenly felt incredibly absurd. Not only absurd, but also ridiculous, like a clown acting out a farce with utmost seriousness. Then I began to laugh wildly, my body and mind laughing uncontrollably, laughing at my own seriousness, at those attachments, at those delusions and pursuits being utterly absurd and ridiculous. After laughing, a sudden bitterness surged into my heart, and I started crying loudly, my whole body trembling, tears and nasal mucus flowing freely. What was bitter was that all the sweetness, sourness, bitterness, and spiciness of the past were self-inflicted suffering, unwarranted pain. After crying and laughing, my entire body and mind entered a state of calm, becoming detached from the external world. Although still living in this world, everything in the external world seemed unrelated to me. My mind only wished to recite the Buddha's name and seek rebirth in the Pure Land, to be a colleague of the Bodhisattvas. I lost interest in everything else, no longer wanting to pursue money, fame, recognition from others, or even those profound theories. 

The world was like a magnet, previously very strong, pulling me back and forth. But now its magnetism seems greatly weakened. Occasionally, some delusions and attachments still arise, but they lack subsequent momentum. Just a few bubbles arise and then disappear, as if they are rootless. When a thought arises, upon observation, the bubble dissipates on its own, unable to form any subsequent substantial action.

Living in this world now, I often have a feeling of living in a dream. I have no investment in this world; I am merely an observer. Observation is just calm, not deliberately objective; there is no mind that 'wants to observe.' I cannot develop a passion for life because the engine seeking externally has stalled, or is barely alive, only occasionally sputtering weakly. I feel there is nothing to pursue in this world; I only desire tranquility, dislike noise and bustle, live according to conditions, interacting with people and things as if in a dream.

I say all this not to prove myself. In fact, I personally feel I am still at a preliminary stage, with a long path ahead. I only want to illustrate that Master Shengru's books are guides for actual practice, not pure theory. Theory serves as a guide and navigation for observing one's own mind-body world. If used only for academic study, its significance is greatly diminished.

Commentary: Observing your changes in words and deeds over the past two years, I find you increasingly cultivated, increasingly possessing Bodhisattva nature. So this is the profound self-observation you have, such deep insight. Such wisdom of observation is inseparable from corresponding meditative stability, because it is direct perception (pratyakṣa), not analysis. Although you did not mention your meditative absorption (dhyāna), the wisdom of direct perception reveals itself. Your level of insight has almost reached the stage of Stream-Entry (Sotāpanna). It still needs to be correlated with your specific meditative practice to accurately and realistically determine which stage of cultivation you are currently at. Your mind is currently dwelling in the emptiness of the Small Vehicle (Hīnayāna); the emptiness of the Great Vehicle (Mahāyāna) has not yet arisen, hence a certain passivity. This is just a preliminary stage. Gradually, use the mind of renunciation to engage with the world; then it will become harmonious and complete. Take it step by step; the outcome will be perfect. You disciples truly surprise me. Your teacher is beginning to reap rewards, no longer suffering as bitterly as before. 

He Qianxing: Previously, I enjoyed delving into the Buddha Dharma, reading many sutras and many of my teacher's books. But I found that despite knowing so much, being able to cite various theories at will, even forming them into a system, why was it that when various states arose, I still couldn't control my greed and anger? So I realized that merely studying theory wouldn't work. I had to practice. So I set aside those theories, focusing only on mind contemplation. In daily life, whether walking, standing, sitting, or lying down, as soon as a thought arose, I became aware of it. Being aware, I stopped it. Stopping it, I contemplated it. Only then did I gradually gain a little insight. All this is due to your teaching on the importance of actual practice, for which my body and mind are joyful.