Repentance Brings Serenity: A 79-Year-Old's Repentance Practice

These past few days I got up at 5 a.m. to do contemplative practice (vipaśyanā-caryā). As I sat, I felt a powerful current of qi rise up from my dantian, tightly wrapping around me and binding my legs. The current continued to move upward, reaching my waist and then my head, making it very hard to breathe. Sitting there, I began to investigate the huatou "Who am I?" As a result, I burst into loud crying, stamping my feet and beating my chest. I rose from my seat, knelt down and kowtowed to the Buddha, and the more I kowtowed, the more I wept. Ah! Am I not just an ugly, old woman? A selfish creature who is greedy for food and sleep all day long? All manner of wretchedness is me; I loathe this stinking skin-bag. In the end I knelt before the Buddha again to repent: I am just a stinking skin-bag; someone like me only deserves to go to hell. 

Then I returned to my seat and continued the contemplative practice (vipaśyanā-caryā), and my body was once again firmly held in place. In this way, two hours passed without my noticing. At that point I remembered that I still had to cook for my child, so I got up, but my movements were very sluggish, my brain was not working well, and I mechanically performed some actions; everything else had nothing to do with me. 

Yesterday when I sat down it was the same. I recalled the repentance text on the manas written by the Dharma master, and I said to myself: "What are you? You have violated every single item of the repentance text." Before I knew it, I was again in meditative concentration (samādhi) and began to cry. Fortunately I did not get up from my seat; I repented while sitting in meditation. Another two hours passed quickly; by then the child had also gotten up, so I had to end the sitting. During the meditation, a fragrant scent appeared several times; when I got off the cushion, it was still like the day before yesterday—my movements were extremely slow. May I ask the Dharma master: is this kind of practice acceptable? Is this contemplation of impurity? Today's sitting was much more comfortable; my body no longer ached, my mind was much more settled, and more than an hour passed quickly. I sincerely request the Dharma master's guidance. 

Assessment: This initial effect of the repentance is very good, achieving the results of a purified mind, physical tranquility (praśama), and growth in meditative concentration (samādhi). However, when you know you have done wrong during repentance, there is no need to curse yourself to fall into hell or the three evil destinies and so on; do not heap any evil curses or evil words upon yourself—words spoken aloud will come to fruition in the future. You should make wholesome and good vows, have the mind and conduct of correcting your faults; correcting your evil mind and evil actions is enough. There is no need to loathe yourself so intensely. The same applies to other people: you should have good wishes and not use evil curses. 

Repentance can eliminate evil karma from past lives. When karmic obstructions are eliminated, the obstructions are removed, both body and mind become tranquil (praśama), deep meditative concentration (samādhi) is attained, contemplative practice (vipaśyanā-caryā) and deliberation (manasikāra) proceed smoothly, cultivation easily gets on the right path, and progress is rapid. As for the fragrant scent smelled during sitting meditation: if it emanates from within your own body, it means your own mind has become pure and your body has also become pure, so a fragrance emerges—sometimes from the nostrils, sometimes from the teeth, sometimes from the throat, and sometimes the whole body will emit a fragrant aroma. If the fragrance enters the nostrils from outside, it means that Buddhas, Bodhisattvas, and Dharma-protecting deities are looking after you, or that heavenly beings have gathered around to watch you and learn from you. 

Judging from your current thinking and understanding, you should still begin your cultivation with contemplative practice (vipaśyanā-caryā) on the five aggregates (pañca-skandha) to eradicate the view of self (satkāya-dṛṣṭi-prahāṇa); do not investigate Chan too early. If you first eradicate the view of self and then investigate Chan, things will go more smoothly. If the view of self is not eradicated, it is impossible to realize the true mind of self-nature. Since you are getting on in years, you should also frequently make pure and great vows to ensure that at the end of this life you can be reborn in the land of bliss (sukhāvatī), and later return to the Sahā world to deliver sentient beings. Being able to attain rebirth at the end of life is a very good destination.