Repentance Brings Tranquility (praśrabdhi) — The Repentance Practice of a Seventy-Nine-Year-Old

These past few days I have gotten up at 5 a.m. to do contemplative practice (vipaśyanā-caryā). As I sat, I felt a powerful current of qi rise up from my dantian, wrapping around me tightly and binding my legs. The current continued to move upward, reaching my waist and then my head, making it very hard to breathe. Sitting there, I began to investigate the huatou "Who am I?" and ended up weeping loudly, stamping my feet and beating my chest. I rose from my seat, knelt down, and bowed to the Buddha, kowtowing and crying more and more with each bow. Alas! Am I not just an ugly, old woman? A creature greedy for food and sleep, selfish and self-serving? All kinds of wretchedness are me. I loathed this stinking bag of skin. In the end I knelt before the Buddha again to repent: I am just a stinking bag of skin; someone like me deserves only to go to hell. 

Then I returned to my seat and continued the contemplative practice. My body was again firmly held in place, and in this way two hours passed without my noticing. At that point I remembered that I still had to cook for my child, so I got up, but my movements were very sluggish, my brain was not working well, and I was mechanically performing some actions; everything else had nothing to do with me. 

Yesterday when I sat down it was the same. I remembered the repentance text on the manas written by the Dharma master, and I said to myself, "What are you? You have violated every single item in the repentance text." Before I knew it, I was crying again within meditative concentration. Fortunately I did not get up from my seat; I repented while sitting in meditation. Soon another two hours passed. By then the child had gotten up, so I had to end the sitting. During the meditation, a fragrant scent arose several times. When I got off the cushion, it was still like the day before yesterday—my movements were extremely slow. May I ask the Dharma master: is this kind of practice acceptable? Is this the contemplation of impurity? Today when I sat down it was much more comfortable; my body no longer ached, and my mind was much more settled. More than an hour passed quickly. I earnestly request the Dharma master's guidance. 

Assessment: This initial effect of the repentance is very good; it has achieved a pure mind, physical tranquility (praśama), and growth in meditative concentration. However, in repentance, once you know you were wrong, there is no need to curse yourself to fall into hell or the three evil destinies and so on. Do not heap any evil curses or evil words upon yourself—words spoken aloud will come to fruition in the future. You should make wholesome wishes and good vows; with a heart and conduct of reform, correcting your unwholesome mind and unwholesome actions is enough. There is no need to hate yourself so intensely. The same applies to other people: you should hold good wishes for them and not use evil curses. 

Repentance can eliminate evil karma from past lives. When karmic obstructions are eliminated, the obstructing barriers are eliminated; both body and mind will experience tranquility (praśama), deep meditative concentration will be attained, contemplative practice (vipaśyanā-caryā) and reflection will proceed smoothly, and cultivation will easily get on the right path and progress rapidly. As for the fragrant scent you smelled during sitting meditation: if it emanated from within your own body, it indicates that your mind has become pure and your body has also become pure, and so a fragrance emerges—sometimes from the nostrils, sometimes from the teeth, sometimes from the throat, and sometimes the whole body gives off a fragrance. If the fragrance entered your nostrils from outside, it indicates that Buddhas, Bodhisattvas, and Dharma-protecting deities are looking after you, or that heavenly beings have gathered around to watch you and learn from you. 

Judging from your current thinking and understanding, you should still begin your cultivation with contemplative practice (vipaśyanā-caryā) on the five aggregates (pañcaskandha) to eliminate self-view (ātma-dṛṣṭi). Do not investigate Chan too early; if you first eliminate self-view and then investigate Chan, things will go more smoothly. If self-view is not eliminated, it is impossible to realize the true mind and self-nature. Since you are getting on in years, you should also frequently make pure and great vows to ensure that at the end of your life you can be reborn in the land of bliss (Sukhāvatī), and later return to the Saha world to deliver sentient beings. Being able to attain rebirth there at the end of life is an excellent destination.